


You Cannot Be What You Cannot See

by blotsandcreases



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Charlotte Bowles pov, F/F, Gen, Physical Disability, in the vague realm post-season2, reference to Beth Childs' death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-25
Updated: 2015-02-25
Packaged: 2018-03-15 05:14:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3434891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blotsandcreases/pseuds/blotsandcreases
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Charlotte Bowles is glad when her big sisters came to stay with her and Mother for some time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Cannot Be What You Cannot See

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! First Orphan Black fic of mine. Also first fic in two years. Unbeta'd and totally a de-stressor for my exam tommorrow.

Once, on a rare evening when Charlotte's mother had wiped off her eyeshadow even before she had muted her phone, they had parfait brought in the sitting room and they watched the telly. It was an awards programme. There was a really beautiful lady with cropped hair, her grip proud and excited on her trophy, and her voice grateful when she said, "Some wise person told me that you cannot be what you cannot see."

 

Charlotte mulled over that as she scooped fruit and cream into her mouth, leaning against Mother. Her leg felt heavier than usual.

 

She was still thinking about it as she pulled out her books the next day. Mother always said that Charlotte was beautiful and special. Charlotte doubted that a bit. If being special meant mean comments in school, and hobbling back to Mother, nearly in tears, then she'd rather be common.

 

"I can't even run!" she'd cried out. Mother knelt in front of her, patting her smudgy and tear-stained face with a gently-scented handkerchief. "Everybody ran a bit during fire drill, and one day I might die in a fire!"

 

"Dearest," Mother had said, "anything is possible. You'll see. Anything is possible with science."

 

Charlotte hoped that meant a cure, or therapy, or something. She picked up a pencil and started doodling on her book. Or maybe artificial wings? If anything's possible with science, maybe wings could be her new limbs.

 

But she didn't know any amazing people with leg braces, or wings. Charlotte wished she hadn't watched that awards programme. It made her feel really sad.

 

~

 

It wasn't rare for Mother to get urgent calls in the evenings.

 

Charlotte woke up to a wide swath of sunlight, and when she sat up and saw the spring crispness really gone, she thought the last year had been a dream. She thought she'd pathetically dreamed about meeting her big sister.

 

Mother said Charlotte could sleep as long as she liked during summer, so it was rather late in the morning when she peered into the breakfast room. It was empty except for a lady with a laptop.

 

"Good morning, chicken," the lady greeted, smiling. "Your mum had to go out for a while. Come have your breakfast."

 

Charlotte carefully settled in front of the lady. "My name is Siobhan Sadler," the lady went on, tucking back hair of deepest auburn Charlotte had ever seen. "But my kid Sarah calls me S, the cheek. You must know her."

 

"My big sister?" Charlotte put down her toast, excited. "Is she here?"

 

"Yes, in the sitting room, but you must finish your food first. Would you like me to go with you?"

 

"No, I - I can manage," Charlotte stammered, "but thank you."

 

"All right."

 

Siobhan Sadler took a sip of tea, still looking at Charlotte with gentle, thoughtful eyes. They were like summer skies. Charlotte started wolfing down her food, almost bouncing on her seat, never minding that it wasn't proper behavior: summer meant different rules.

 

~

 

It meant surprises.

 

The sitting room had four.

 

Sarah was closest to the door. She stood up, boots thick on the floor, and led Charlotte to the sofa. "Hey, how are you?"

 

Charlotte was petrified. She felt like vomiting. She was so giddy.

 

"Hey Charlotte," said one big sister. "I'm Cosima, and this is Helena."

 

Helena was a big sister with poofy hair. "Baby sestra," she told Charlotte.

 

"Hello, Charlotte, my name is Alison. Very nice to meet you," a big sister said, strongly reminding Charlotte of her strict English teacher. Alison gave her a smile, and turning to Sarah, raised her brows.

 

Sarah looked bewildered. "Er, yeah," Sarah said, "Charlotte, you must - think it's weird -"

 

"Not really," Charlotte managed to say, "I think it's amazing."

 

Cosima leaned forward, beads and bracelets clattering. "You don't think it's strange? That we all look alike?"

 

"No. I know I have big sisters."

 

Her three big sisters exchanged looks. Helena handed her a candy bar.

 

Just before dinner, Mother arrived with another big sister. Her name was Rachel. She was like Charlotte, except that Rachel's thing was an eyepatch on one eye. She greeted Charlotte stiffly, and remained very silent throughout dinner.

 

"Was she born with an eyepatch?" Charlotte asked Alison, looking at the study door behind which Mother had long disappeared with Mrs S and Rachel. They were on the sofa, and Charlotte's hair was being braided.

 

"No," Alison said. "It's - a recent addition. What color would you like? For clips?"

 

Charlotte pointed to a deep blue.

 

It was a cozy evening. Charlotte liked it better than telly. Cosima was on a window seat, chuckling over a book. Sarah was dozing on an armchair. Helena was sprawled on the rug, leaning against Sarah's armchair, happily eating extended dessert.

 

"Do Gemma and Oscar play soccer?" Charlotte asked after a bit, thinking of Alison's phone wallpaper.

 

Alison coughed a little. "Yes. They do. I manage their practice on weekends."

 

"I wish I could, too," Charlotte mused. That would be fun, playing with her cousins. And at school, too.

 

Alison was silent. After she finished Charlotte's left braid, she said, "You can try any sport you like. Have you tried playing any?"

 

"No." Charlotte helplessly gestured at her leg.

 

"Don't be embarrassed about that," Alison said, voice firm. "We can ask your mother and some doctors about your leg, and sports." She picked up the comb and moved to Charlotte's other side. "People used to tease me for trying out largely pink clothes. But - pink is me."

 

Charlotte smiled. "Pink is nice."

 

"Very nice, if I do say so."

 

"Mother says science can do something about my leg," Charlotte said, and then, quietly, "As soon as science does, I'll run. A lot."

 

Alison's fingers stuttered. When she spoke, it sounded like floorboards creaking. "Would you - do you like the idea of running?"

 

"I saw people run in the telly," Charlotte said, wistfully. "Very fast running. It's like flying. Except on the ground."

 

Alison finished braiding in silence. Silences are fine, Charlotte thought. But she worried she might have said something wrong. Then Alison stood up and said, "Would you like hot chocolate?"

 

Charlotte nodded with relief. Alison turned away, brushing her pink sleeve on her face.

 

~

 

Cosima was skipping around the attic as she set up the telescope, hands a whirl, and in the dim light, she reminded Charlotte of the water on the dispenser.

 

They had planned this over dinner. Sarah had snorted, "Geekface," but she was smiling at Cosima, who had stuck her tongue out. Alison's fringe had quivered as she shot Cosima a mild disapproving look. Helena had put down her glass and said, "There are angels. In the sky."

 

"There!" Cosima announced. "Let's get ya introduced to this coolness asap. C'mere."

 

Charlotte stuck her face on the peeping glass. It was amazing. Cosima, who was really smart, helped her understand some of the messy night sky.

 

"Cool," Charlotte squeaked at one point.

 

"Hella rad," Cosima agreed.

 

When they took a break, Charlotte said, "I think running makes Alison sad."

 

Cosima brought out two macadamia cookies. She put her elbows on her knees as she bit on hers. "Nah. Running reminds her of Beth. Beth - she was another sister." Here she focused on Charlotte, as if considering. Charlotte peeled back the serviette from her cookie, a bit self-conscious.

 

"Beth isn't with us anymore."

 

~

 

They had movie day.

 

"Movies til we barf movies," Cosima had declared.

 

Sarah and Alison were bickering over the order of movies after Charlotte shrugged when they asked what she'd like to watch first. Mother and Mrs S were out again. They were out a lot, and Charlotte understood that Helena wasn't even supposed to be with them. And her big sisters weren't supposed to contact anyone. Charlotte understood that her big sisters might be somehow in hiding.

 

Helena stalked back down the stairs. "Rachel bobby-hair won't answer," she reported.

 

That wasn't new. Charlotte only saw Rachel during dinner.

 

When Cosima joined them with the popcorn and drinks, Charlotte exclaimed, "Hella rad!"

 

This startled a laugh out of Sarah, and Alison shook her head with a smile. "Just don't take after Sarah's mouth."

 

"Oi!"

 

"Sestra has strong language," Helena explained later. "It is not for children."

 

Charlotte nodded thoughtfully. "You and Sarah are always together."

 

"It is not like before," Helena said. She broke her chocolate and shared a half with Charlotte. Then Helena smiled, quick and jagged. "Sestra and I have time now. She loves me now, too."

 

~

 

One day, the doctors came in. They knew about muscles. Charlotte started marking the days of her sisters' stay with her daily therapy. Mother would come in the morning with a doctor, and in the late afternoon Charlotte would continue the routine while her big sisters watched and encouraged.

 

Just after Halloween, Charlotte held Alison's hand and told her, "I'm gonna run." Alison swiped at her face again, even though nothing was there.

 

She walked in on Rachel having tea in the kitchen once. They didn't talk, but Rachel didn't return the sugar bowl on the top shelf when she left.

 

The first time Charlotte could walk without the brace, she and Mother had a stroll in the garden.

 

"I'm glad that you love your sisters," Mother said, after they'd talked about school.

 

"Of course. They're my big sisters."

 

"Not even after we talked about how you had big sisters?"

 

Charlotte frowned. She didn't understand why Mother would worry about that, and said so.

 

"I'm worried," Mother said, with a heavy sigh, "that when you grow up. That when you grow up you'll change your mind."

 

Charlotte tried to understand why Mother was worried. The next weeks, as she spent time with her big sisters, she tried to imagine having to stop loving them.

 

Charlotte found she lacked imagination for that sort.

 

She loved how Sarah guffawed over anything funny, and she loved how Sarah pressed a finger to her grinning lips when Charlotte had yelped "Oh shite" on spilled marmalade. She loved how Sarah ruffled Charlotte's hair. Charlotte loved it most when Sarah told her it's okay to mess up and be sorry for it, and confided some stories about it.

 

She loved how Cosima coached her on some assignments. Cosima made science and math fun. Charlotte loved Cosima's hair, and how Cosima danced and ate loads of Eskimo Pie.

 

"Why do you like it so much?" Charlotte had asked, laughing, as Cosima pulled out a fifth.

 

"Well," Cosima drawled, "aside from deliciousness, it makes me feel close to someone."

 

At Charlotte's questioning look, she said, "We're not allowed to risk calls, so I really miss my girlfriend. One day, I'll introduce you. Delphine's also a rad scientist. She helped cure me."

 

Charlotte loved how Cosima had managed to do a lot while sick. It made her think she can do a lot, too.

 

Charlotte loved how Helena would always stick close to Sarah, and how they dozed together sometimes, heads bumping. She loved how Helena had scooped her up, settled her on the back of the green parka, and ran around the garden as Charlotte squealed against the rush of wind. She loved how Helena always shared food with the sisters, and told Charlotte stories like, "One time I met a bad rabbit. Here is what you do to bad rabbits..."

 

She loved how Alison made her eat healthy food when Mother's not around. Charlotte loved how Alison sang her to sleep sometimes, and how she advised Charlotte on organizing things and color coordination. Charlotte loved that Alison told her to try.

 

Charlotte didn't know what to love about Rachel yet. But she appreciated Rachel leaving the sugar bowl on the table that one time.

 

Maybe Mother meant being insecure about growing up with the same face and with the same genes. But as Charlotte looked and looked, she could see that, yes, her big sisters shared the same curve of nose, the same chin, the same lip shape, but nothing else. They even laughed differently. Charlotte could tell them apart. Charlotte figured that was also her case.

 

She was still obsessing about this when she woke up at six one Saturday. It was dark out, the clumps of snow bellied shadows, and she almost didn't see Rachel by the hall window. They were silent for quite a while. Then Charlotte whispered, "I'm going to have a brisk walk around the house later. What about you, Rachel?"

 

"Are you," Rachel said, and was silent again.

 

"One day I will run," Charlotte tried again. It always cheered her, thinking about it. When she looked at the garden and the streets nowadays, they seemed brighter and full of promise.

 

"You're not lonely," Rachel observed in her flat voice.

 

Charlotte shook her head, glad that they're talking. "You'll all come visit again. I can visit you all, too. We'll have a race. What do you think?"

 

Rachel stared at her long enough to be uncomfortable, then she turned back to the window so that Charlotte couldn't see her eye anymore. "Appallingly interesting."

 

That was progress enough for Charlotte. She settled on the window seat and haltingly chattered and prodded. She tried. Charlotte was glad Rachel didn't turn away until the sky was suffused with paleness: Charlotte learned a lot of things, like the fact that Rachel only put milk in tea.

 

finish


End file.
